happy birthday
Good morning! I’m in the art room in my house — I took today & tomorrow off as a gift to myself for my birthday & I’ve never loved myself more. I am SO excited to have 2 days to myself to do things I want to do like process / get magical for my birthday (including pulling Tarot cards), paint the art room, knit, sew, & play Animal Crossing. Omg!!! I’m really, really happy about it. And right now I’m sitting at my desk & Garfield is sitting in my lap, the light is coming through the windows & reflecting off the mirror ball all over the room, & I’m listening to summer school radio.
I had a really nice birthday yesterday. I woke up early as I have been doing since daylight saving’s ended, but we stayed in bed until we had to get ready to leave for a wedding around noon. The wedding was joyous and touching — lovely vibes for a birthday ☺ — & afterward there was a break between the ceremony & the reception where they served kimbap and mini sandwiches and Paris Baguette madeleine bears. The wedding was at a botanic garden & it was so autumnal and a bit chilly, and I loved being able to walk around & spend some time outdoors on my birthday, and kept looking up to the trees blowing in the wind (which feels so sacred to me) during the ceremony. I wore my black velvet Batsheva dress & the earrings S got me & the bigger hoops I bought for N’s wedding. After the ceremony, we drove to Dallas so I could buy a candle at Byredo. I got Summer Rain, which has been on my mind since we first bought a candle (Altar) for Christmas a few years ago. It’s described as evoking “a sudden downpour, heavy drops sizzling on sun-warmed earth. A refreshing parenthesis on a summer day representing the restoratie power of nature. Opening notes of basil & spearment bring a fresh breeze, with vibrant green fig & ginger. As rain fades, sandalwood & tonka settle, grounding the composition.”
& then we had a glass of wine at Eataly & then dinner at Sister, which was just as lovely & fun as I hoped. This is what we had:
Lobster panzanella with dijonaiise, celery salad, & burrata
Za’atar foccacia with chili olive tapenade
Broccoli with chili garlic vinaigrette (& it was spicy!), pistachios, & citrus jam
Casarecce a giallo with crispy speck, burratina, & gai-lon
Pesto fusilli with fennel sausage, smoked almonds, & goat cheese
Pesto fusilli
Lemon pana cotta
Lobster panzanella
Precious S
Casarecce a giallo
I drank a Pan Pac Sour (which was cute & delicious — Iwai 45 whisky, Kota Pandan liqueur, lemon, & eggs whites) and a Nice Pear (Townes vodka, St. George ‘Spiced Pear’ liqueur, lemon, & honey).
Then we raced home listening to my birthday playlist because we couldn’t wait to see our boys again. We tried to stay up a bit to watch Jealousy Incarnate, but I was sooo tired & full that I just went to sleep at 9 AM, happy & satisfied.
Now I have two whole days off from work to do MY OWN THING!! And I’m so thrilled. Plus, I bought myself a strawberry lychee cloud cake at Tous les Jours on Saturday that we were too full & tired to eat yesterday, so I still have a birthday cake moment today. I really know how to celebrate!!
Now, here are some of the songs on my veil is thin (peachy) pink November playlist
and finally, here is my birthday tarot reading
3
2 4
1 5
1 — last year: King of Cups
Emotionally balanced, compassionate, diplomatic
“King of Imagination” (Jessica Dore, Tarot for Change, p. 234)
“The King of Cups has to do with willingness, a more receptive application of the will. Floating on the sea, he exists in a state of being prepared & ready to do with is required in order to accept & stay afloat as the water rise. It is an active acquiescence.…A King might stand for one with the competence to find resolution where others had been unable to. Emotions are often passed down through generations until they reach someone who has the right set of resources & abilities to resolve them,” meaning “to clear a space for them to emerge, unfold, & find full expression. Water has for so long been a symbol of birth & life, & I would argue that emotions…simpyl want what all other life wants: to be born, to have a safe space to express fully, & to die, eventually as all living things do. While our human impulse is often to deny our feelings that fundamental right, the King of Cups protects it.”
“Upright, you are in tune with your own emotional management, & you don’t let your emotional fluctuations affect others. You are trusted & consistent, while still acknowledging the emotional depths within.” (Rachel Howe, Tarot Reversals Guidebook)
“The King of Cups represents mastery over the realms of emotion, creativity, & the unconcious….You have gained control of your feelings & can accept them without allowing them to get the better of you. Even when life throws you a curve ball, you can draw on your emotional maturity & stability to help you navigate these challenges….If you are being challenged personally, the King of Cups suggests you need to remain emotionally mature when faced with negative energy from others” & “firm on your personal boundaries, stating what is/not acceptable on an emotional level. The King is level-headed & in control of his emotions” & “embodies the perfect balance between the executive & the heart….As a leader, you care as much about achieving your goals & objectives as you do about making sure everyone is happy & engaged along the way….The King of Cups is compassionate toward others, creating strong bonds & relationships based on patience & understanding. As you interact with others, you may need to navigate their strong feelings & emotional triggers so you can create a sense of peace in your interactions. He may appear in your life as a mentor, coach, or spiritual guide; or you may step into this role yourself.”
2 — something to leave behind: 5 of Wands
Conflict, disagreements, competition, tension, diversity
Fighting with my internal parts
“The 5s typically represent conflict & change” & “this card indicates that you are in the midst of battle & competition with others & it is impacting your ability to move forward with your goals. Rather than being able to work towards a common goal, you are running up against constant oppression” [jealousy, internal conflict, OCD]
“With the 5 of Wands, everyone is fighting to be heard but…no one is listening. When everybody has a different opinion, but no one is stopping to hear each other out, conflict & misunderstandings will run rampant….See [this] as an opportunity to rise above the chaos/disorder [King of Wands style]” & “take a moment to listen to what others have to say — even if you agree to disagree….The 5 of Wands encourages an enthusiastic approach to change. Transition//even transformation is coming whether or not you like it; your challenge will be in ensuring that everyone is on the same page & dealing with this shift constructively/positively…Currently, your group’s energy is scattered by misdirected enthusiasm. Everybody has ideas, but no one is there to bring them to a logical path forward. Your role may be in identifying a clear strategy & purpose that can be implemented by all involved.” (Biddy Tarot)
“Upright, [there is a] high level of activity [that] has purpose & can be exciting” and “meaning in the busyness. Slow down so that you can separate out which actions are meanignful & what is activity for the sake of being busy.” (Rachel Howe, Tarot Reversals Guidebook)
“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, & because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium & it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly & directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open & aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open….No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching & ameks us more alive than the others.” (Martha Graham)
“We each contain a diverse ‘internal family’ of psychological parts, &…it’s when those parts are in conflict that we tend to feel stuck. This concept comes from the Internal Family Systems model of psychotherapy, developed by Richard Scwartz, who wrote, ‘it is as if we each contain a society of people, each of whom is at a different age & has different interets, talents, & temperaments,’ & that ‘once we get beyond our cultural bias toward viewing oruselves as consistent, unitary individuals, the multiplicity paradigm makes immediate intuitive sense.’ When conflict exists among our ‘internal family’ members, we tend to try to pick a side & silence all dissenting parts. But since we can’t ever get rid of any of the family members (we can & do exile them, but they don’t actually go anywhere & that’s another story), we tend to wear ourselves out expressing one part or another & locking into the belief that we’ve finally ‘made up our mind,’ only to change it days, hours, sometimes even minutes later….The parts we attempt to silence//reject have a way of coming back louder & more convincing or showing up in unexpected ways that undermine what decisions we have been able to make….What happens when step back & make space for all of these parts to exist that we realize that we actually don’t have to choose one & get rid of another in order to move forwrad. The 5 characters in the 5 of Wands image are bumping up against each other & not much is getting done, but none are in actual danger, they’re just different. Ultimately, it’s the part of us that looks over the 5 of Wands form a bit of a distance that does the decision making, not any one part in the image. When we see the parts there in front ofus, as this image invites us to do, we realize on an experiential level that who we truly are is probably not any one of those parts & therefore it is not the task to choose one. We get to be the sky, as Buddhist nun Pema Chodrön says, & realize that ‘everything else — it’s just the weater.’” (Jessica Dore, Tarot for Change, 141-142.”
Regarding the “multiplicity of desires” — we don’t have to "suggest hat any form of desire is wrong or lesser; instead…[explore] the beauty of feeling overcome with yearning for everything & everyone and actually letting yourself want all of it & do all of it without feeling wrong. To be undefined & unsure & yet wholly realized.” (source)
3 — a gift to myself: Ace of Wands
Inspiration, new opportunities, growth, potential
“This Wands card brings you pure potential — this time in the spiritual, energetic realm. Ideas are flowing to you, motivating & inspiring you to pursue a new path. You are open to receiving new opportunities that align with your Higher Self. A whole world of possibility is avilable to you. The Ace of Wands encourages you to follow your heart & live your passion. If you feel a strong pull towards a new project or path, but are questioning whether it will work, then this card gives you a gentle nudge to pursue your passion. You can always start out small, treating the project//idea as an experiment or tril. Then, if it feels good, keep going it; & it if it doesn’t, make adjustments & try again. Let your energy, dedication, & motivation be your guides.” (Biddy Tarot)
“The ace…represents the ‘one’ & thus the raw material of [the] suit” and the wands represent “the domain of energy,” which is “often neglected because it’s the part of our being that can’t be measured. The wands unite the ethereal with the corporeal….Its roots are both spiritual & material….The wand is traditionally associated with the fire element, warmth being the thing that distinguishes the living form the dead. Fire is a necessary part of any therapeutic process” (see: hot cognition, dysregulation). “People go to therapy because some fiery energy — something too hot to handle — is fueling maladaptive behaviors or ravagaing interpersonal relationships with no sign of slowing down. Often it takes a wildfore of some sort in our lives for us to realize it’s time to heal….The wands contain the energy that drives, motivates, & stimulates us….I see the wand as having to do with our desires as well as our ‘intuitive appraisals’ — that initial spark of response within us before we have time to think about what something means, & in doing so repress our feelings about that thing or engage in some act of avoidance.” (Jessica Dore, Tarot for Change)
4 — something to embrace: The World (reversed)
Seeking personal closure, short-cuts, delays
This card “suggests that you are seeking closure on a personal issue. Perhaps you are still emotionally attached to a past relationship & want to move on or you dream of the day you can fit into your old skinny jeans but realize now that your metabolism & body shape changed in the last 10 years. You know, deep down, that to accept & embrace where you are now, you need to let go of the past & move on. Finding closure may be an intensely personal journey — something you manage through journaling, visualization, energy work, & therapy. The World Reversed can signify that you want to fulfill a big goal//complete a big project, but you’re not taking all the steps necessary to get there. You may opt for the easiest//quickest path necessary to attain your goal, but it won’t let to the outcome oyu intend….You need to experience the trials & tribulations along the way so you can learn & grow. And when you do reach your goal, you will enjoy such a fantstic sense of achievement. Don’t be afraid to set stretch goals for yourself, even if it means enduring hardships or challenges along the way; it will make the victory even sweeter. The World Reversed can also indicate a time when you are close to finishing a project//goal, but for whatever reason, you lose focus & slack off right at the end. You only have a short way to go, so why stop now? Re-energize & remind yourself how wonderful life will be when you get the thing you’ve wanted for so long. Sometimes, the World reversed can mean a frustrating delay in completing your projects. You might miss an essential piece, & you won’t find closure until it gets worked out. You may need to get more creative to figure out how to touch the finish line.” (Biddy Tarot)
“Limited vision. Boudn to the beauty in the complexity around you. Immune to the positive energy surrounding you. Resistance. Denial. One doorway is ready to close & another ready to open, but you are not ready, you don’t feel brave enough, or strong enough. Look to tie up loose ends, look for things you are already done with & can release, knowing there is always more to fill the void. Understand that there is no void, ever. Ther is always life filling the space, we just need to see it through new eyes. When upright, there is a natural progression of spinning the web bigger & bigger, of interlocking with others in deeper ways, if we can get out of the way of nature. If we can stop blocking our own potential & capability for more. Love is ever-expanding, it is limitless. Tune into the frequencies of compassion & care, and you will never feel lost, alone, or spiritually imprversihed. Spirit is ine verything, if you can’t find it, it is a message that you are looking in the wrong place or in the wrong way. Learn how to pivot, to relax into a flow, & to surrender the movements of the living world. You are alive, ever-changing, & ther eis always something new and exciting to invovle yourself in. Release expectations of outcome & see yourself accurately where you are in the process. Ther e are always small stepst to take to stay in the enrgy of evolution & expansion. There is so much avialble to you that you refuse to see. All of thise & more. All of thise & Better.”
5 — the year ahead: 4 of Wands
Celebration, joy, harmony, relaxation, homecoming
“You are able to match with the external structures that support your goals & preferences, because you assert your perosnality & you know what you need”
“Joyful celbration, blissful happiness, & appreciation for the good things in life….It is the perfect time to celebrate with those you love most….Can cshow that you are returning home or to the people & places familiar to you. You feel supported/secure knowign you are with those you love & care about you. Because the Four of Wands associates so closely with the home environment, you may work on improving//renovating your house or are close to finding a new one. Perhaps you recently purchased a home & are getting ready to settle down in your new habitate. The Four of Wands tells you that after a period of rapid growth & expansion…it’s now time to pause & celebrate what oyu have achieved so far. Step back for a moment & nejoy the fruits of your labor. Acknowledge your hard work & give yourself permission to take a small break before embarking on the next phase of your journey. It’s essential that you observe these smaller milestones.”
Four — “stability & firm foundations”
“With the Four of Wands, you are now enjoying a period of happiness & security. This card indicates a sense of harmony & balance” + “completion & thus denotes a time of peace & contentment in life that comes as a result of the hard-fought efforts.”
